It’s well documented (by myself…) that I have always had a bit of a struggle with food. I used to binge eat and had a distorted view of my body. It’s got significantly better over the past few year and for the past two months I’ve been following Weight Watchers. I’ll do another blog about my reasons and what I’ve found during that time another day. However, I’ve lost over a stone since Christmas and I’m feeling physically better than I have in a LONG time.
With weight/inches/fat loss, comes the change in shape and dress size. So I’ve found all of a sudden all my clothes are too big. My usual style of skinny jeans with a baggy top is currently looking like I’ve borrowed Nora Batty’s tights with a rather pretty looking potato sack chucked over the top. So, this morning I felt a bit at a loss. What do I put on? Most of my ‘smaller’ clothes are in the loft currently because I refused to put pressure on myself to fit back in them quickly after Daisy arrived. I literally packed them away while pregnant to make sure I didn’t fall into that mindset.
I was rummaging through my drawers and I pulled out a pair of jeans, a size smaller than I normally wear, that were a slim fit – not my usual skinny. I apprehensively put them on and they were still a bit big. I didn’t know what else to do so I carried on rummaging and found a belt (God knows where that’s from – I NEVER wear belts). So I whacked it on. I felt a bit uncomfortable because it couldn’t have felt more different from my usual comfort zone style. The truth is, I felt at such a loss I went onto Pinterest to see how to ‘style’ slim fit jeans. Anyway, I whacked on a loose fitting grey and white shirt and TUCKED THE FRONT IN. I didn’t have it hanging over my pouch which is exaggerated from my c-section scar. I didn’t feel the need to hide away. Daisy’s currently napping but when she’s awake I’ll pair the outfit with my old faithful Converse.
So, this got me thinking. How often do we just put on clothes without thinking? Or put them on to hide something? I couldn’t tell you the last time I put on a belt or tucked my shirt in. But because I took the ten minutes this morning to have a think and a look – I suddenly feel SO much more confident. It’s weird, because I also feel a little bit self-conscious because it’s steering away from my usual style. But I feel like me. I feel like this is something that I’ve been wanting to wear butwouldn’t have felt comfortable doing.
I pulled out a pink lipstick – put it on and drank some coffee. I’m working hard in making really good food choices in total balance with a happy life. I’m also getting the balance of working out right too, without it being all consuming. So why is now not the perfect time, while my body is changing, to use this time to change my style a bit? Or has it actually always been my style, and I just hid it away when I lost my confidence?
Clothes and make-up, to me, are a perfect opportunity to express our personality. As my personality and confidence is re-emerging I don’t feel the need to hide my self-perceived flaws in my personality. I accept them. They’re part of who I am. I accept I can’t tell a joke because I laugh before the punchline. It’s funny, why else would I be telling it? I accept that I’m not very good at volume control so will always speak slightly louder than is socially acceptable. So I will not be hiding behind the loose fitting tops and never tucking a top into a belted pair of jeans. If I wear that it’s because it feels fun and makes me happy, not because it hides something…me.
I’m a bit surprised how putting this outfit has got my head churning and making me realise how far I’ve come since I really struggled with anxiety while pregnant. I’d started to accept that maybe I don’t like being around many people. It’s a really nice feeling knowing I’m starting to feel more and more like I want to be around people. Maybe my changing body is actually helping to bring me back. Not because of the number on the scale but because I’m feeling good. I’m feeling strong. I’m feeling healthy. Health isn’t just a number on the scale, it’s also mental health. I certainly feel less anxious and much more positive recently. I carry a really lovely content feeling now rather than battling a churning stomach regularly.
You are wonderful. As you are. When you believe that, you’ll start to find the best version of you. Loving and believing in yourself doesn’t have to mean you never want to make changes to yourself. It means you love and believe in yourself enough to know you can be who and whatever you want to be.
It was an ongoing joke with my mum that I have always had an invincibility complex. I had always believed I could take on the world as long as I wear my cloak of invincibility (which we’ve always imagined is VERY sparkly). I don’t feel like I’ve worn that cloak very much in the past couple of years. I think it’s time to dust it off. Along with the fitted tops and bright lipstick.